Silent Shout
by hamaell
Summary: Rated to be safe. "Both prodigies' breathing ceases immediately when two pairs of lips touch involuntarily." COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

I believe this is my first multi-chapter. It's not really a multi-chapter though - it's more like one story divided into different parts, because I felt it would probably end up too long otherwise.

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own Death Note or any of its characters, and I never will. This is purely fan-made, with no intentions what-so-ever to claim owner-rights of the original series. Neither do I own the song called "Silent Shout" which this fic is named after. All credit of that goes to The Knife.

BETA-read by** Laimielle**

(_Thank you_)

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He is tired. So very, very tired. Eyelids are heavy; they drop as soon as he lets his concentration wander from trying to keep them open. His brain feels more like grey slush than the key source of his intelligence; his thoughts blur into each other and everything is just a massive mess in his head. He can't think, can't read, can't write. He can hardly remember his own name, let alone remember what it is that he is supposed to be doing with the files that are covering the screen of his computer. He rubs his eyes and yawns for umpteenth time, silently asking himself if insomnia is contagious.

The gentle scraping of metal against porcelain attracts his attention and he turns his head slightly to the side - not enough for the rest of the investigation team to see, but enough so that he can watch the eccentric detective sitting next to him in the corner of his eye. He really wants to turn his head fully, so that he can study the pale face and let his eyes linger on all the details. But he doesn't. He doesn't dare.

Because Ryuzaki is so outlandish, so intimidating. Even though he is scrawny and pale and hunched over, he scares Light. He is perfectly imperfect. There is something about him, in him, that is raw and beautiful and every time Light gets a glimpse of it his heart skips a beat or two. There is always that fluttering, and then the piercing jealousy - Ryuzaki is perfect and he doesn't even try; he is perfect because he doesn't try to be. Light tries his hardest, has tried his hardest for as long as he can remember, and in all his brilliant glory he still isn't anywhere close to what Ryuzaki is. Most people would probably frown upon him and his unusual behaviour; dismiss him as a nuisance. But Light would beg to differ. There is so much about him, he is so _intriguing_. Even now, when he's sitting completely still with his knees to his chest, twiddling his toes together on the edge of the seat and absent-mindedly stirring the tea in his thin-skinned cup, Light can think of a hundred and one different reasons of why he is so admirable.

Well, he _could_, if he wasn't so tired.

Ryuzaki seems unfazed by the lack of sleep, and by the lack of proper food, as well. He has spent the last few hours eating his way through endless piles of sweets and desserts, as he has done throughout all of his waking hours, and Light has been keeping count. His over elaborated mind has been keeping him focused on the strangest things lately, he realises. He wonders what his secret is, why Ryuzaki doesn't even look close to how battered Light feels even though they have slept equally much (or little, he thinks, rather bitterly) in the past few weeks. While he remains in his state of natural perfection, Light's body has definitely taken the hit of not sleeping enough. He has been losing weight; strands of his hair have started to fall off; his eyes are blood-shot and itchy, sore; his soft skin has lost its previous golden glow; and he has noticed a rapid declining in his self-control lately; now-a-days his temper tantrums are as regular and constant as Ryuzaki's daily sugar intake.

Suddenly Ryuzaki pushes his chair back and stands up. Light observes him with exhausted eyes as he straightens his back and all the joints pops sickeningly. Then he turns his head towards him, dark eyes studying him. The tip of his tongue wets his bottom lip and he opens his mouth to speak.

'I believe this will be all for today, thank you for your hard work. Please return to your families for tonight, and be here again tomorrow morning.'

Ryuzaki's voice is low and monotone, but full of authority all the same. There is a faint rustling sound as the investigation team prepares to leave, their low mutters of good byes seeming obscenely loud in the vast room. They are tired as well; the Kira case has started to take its toll on everyone now and day has turned into night many hours ago. They leave quietly after wishing Light and Ryuzaki a good night and the sound of the door closing as they leave echoes between the walls. When Light returns his gaze to Ryuzaki's face after watching his father depart, he realises that said person is staring at him again and he shirks back a little in his seat. Ryuzaki's eyes are unreadable and convey none of his emotions, which is one of the reasons why Light fears him. He is not used to not knowing what people are thinking.

'Are we going to bed this early?' he asks. It's supposed to sound sarcastic, but the tired slur of his words ruins the intended tone. Ryuzaki doesn't seem to bother, but then on the other hand, he never does.

'If you wish,' he simply states, still not breaking eye contact. 'I though you looked tired.'

Light attempts to laugh, but the only sound that leaves his mouth is a weak hiss and that's when he decides to just shut up. He stands on wobbly legs and has to support his weight on edge of the table to not fall over; the head rush forces him to look away. Ryuzaki continues to stare at him for a moment, before he places his hands in the pockets of his faded jeans and walks over to Light.

'I'm fine,' Light mutters quietly and tries to stand up straight and lead the way out of the room, but the muscles in his legs seems to have transformed into jelly, and Ryuzaki ends up carrying him all the way up to the bedroom they share, where he carefully lays him down on the bed and helps him out of his clothes. Light is too tired to object, and by now he is used to it anyway. The procedure has become one of their many routine.

Light shivers, tucked down securely beneath the cold covers, and he shivers again when Ryuzaki slides in behind him and lies down, warming his back. The contrast of hot and cold is uncomfortable, but it will even out soon, he tells himself. Arms wrap around him, building a protective cage of human flesh, but both of them know it will not help.

It never helps.

*

A few hours later, Light wakes up gasping. He's cold and sweating at the same time, the bed sheets are twisted around his limbs and it brings his unexplainable anxiety though the roof. He buries his face in the pillow, letting the fabric muffle his scream. Although he doesn't know why, fear, _terror_, is poisoning the blood in his veins and as his breathing grows shallow, he tries to find something to hold on to.

That something happens to be Ryuzaki, as he is suddenly so close to him, and Light can't remember when he got there or why he was ever gone but he doesn't care and clings to him as panic tries to strangle him. He is shaking, sweating, screaming, sobbing - an incomprehensive never-ending flow of sound and fragments of words spills from his lips even though he's trying his hardest to prevent the noises from leaving his mouth. He is a total mess and he hates it, underneath the uncontrollable breakdown he loathes how weak he has become.

But Ryuzaki holds him, threads his fingers though his damp hair and says nothing - his consolation is quiet and it's in the silent darkness that Light finally falls back into a restless slumber in the early hours of the morning of the new day, as exhausted as ever. He is well aware of the fact that when he wakes up again, it will feel like he never slept at all.

*

At noon, Ryuzaki decides it's time for lunch, and Light follows him obediently to the kitchen. While he doesn't eat a normal, healthy, balanced diet, Ryuzaki is hell-bent on making sure Light gets all the nutrition he needs. That includes breakfast when they wake up, lunch at noon, dinner around four, another dinner at eight or nine, and sometimes supper before they go to bed (if Light is not too tired, that is). Only nutritious food, obviously (although he is offered the occasional piece of cake), and healthy snacks in between all the meals. Simply put: he does a lot of eating. And again, there is a routine in place - Light will eat the meal that Watari has prepared for him and Ryuzaki will eat cake or ice-cream or any other sugary treat. When having finished, Ryuzaki will accompany him to the bathroom where he will kneel in front of the toilet and throw it all up. After Light has washed his face and brushed his teeth, they will go back to the kitchen and Light will be handed a cup of coffee with no sugar and he will down it, and then they leave and go back to the investigation team. Ryuzaki insists that he eats even though his body never allows him to keep any of it, even though Light has argued that his teeth will probably rot from all the vomiting. When he first mentioned it, Ryuzaki's response was to book him an appointment at the dentists, but he had refused to go. There would be no point, since the dentist would only be able to tell him to stop throwing up, and that is easier said than done - it isn't like he _wants_ to have his body lurch uncontrollably several times a day.

But here they are, again, sitting on opposite ends of the table in the kitchen. Ryuzaki is munching on a chocolate cup-cake, and Light is poking at the salad on his plate with his fork. They don't speak. Watari left after cleaning up the dishes, and now they are left to their own devices. The silence is deafening.

'Can we go now?' he asks.

'You need to eat,' Ryuzaki answers, pointing towards his still full plate with his fork. 'You haven't even finished the salad.'

'I don't want salad,' Light says and frowns in annoyance.

'What do you want, then? I'll call Watari and ask him to prepare something else for you,' Ryuzaki offers.

'I don't want anything; I'm not hungry. And even if I was, you know I won't keep it down anyway. It's a waste of food. Can't we just leave?'

'No.'

Ryuzaki's answer leaves no room for discussion, and Light angrily starts to shove the food into his mouth as quickly as he can. He chews and swallows, then he waits for the nausea. He doesn't have to wait long.

'Toilet,' he mutters, and they leave the room in a hurry.

*

It's one of those nights, when sleep is just impossible. He is lying on his back, counting the tiles in the ceiling. Ryuzaki is on the floor, still working on the case. Light has offered to help him several times, but his help has continuously been politely declined.

'You're too tired; you won't get anything done,' is the argument.

So as Ryuzaki occupies his mind with mass murderers and percentages, Light is left to face insomnia alone. It really bothers him that he can't fall asleep, but at the same time, he is relieved. If he doesn't sleep, he won't have any nightmares, and he's sure Ryuzaki appreciates that as well. He knows he can't expect his friend's solace every time he wakes up screaming.

It's rather weird, he muses, how he has come to think of the bizarre man as a friend. Although they undoubtedly have a lot in common, and Light has never in his life met another person he has felt so connected to, there is still an issue - they are detective and suspect. They are chained together with handcuffs that allow neither of them any privacy. Despite being forced to stay so close to someone, to have his freedom taken away, Light has realised that he doesn't really mind. Perhaps this is what they call Stockholm Syndrome, he ponders and bites his lip. Even if it is, he doesn't really mind. He'd rather spend his time with Ryuzaki than anywhere else. They are equals, and never before has Light met someone who shares his level of intelligence. It's thrilling, and albeit they rarely speak, their occasional conversations are the highlights of his existence.

Ryuzaki's fingers hit the keys on his computer with unnerving speed, and the constant _tap tap tap _reminds him that all is not so nice and dandy. There are times when he just wants to scream in frustration, bang the detective's head repeatedly into the wall until if falls off his neck completely, or at least have five minutes on his own without Ryuzaki sitting next to him.

In conclusion, he decides, there are pros and cons to his current situation, and he just has to live with them. What other choice does he have, really?


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:**

Getting this chapter up has taken an embarrassingly long time - I'm sorry about that. I'm planning to get this fic finished as soon as I can, so I probably won't write anything else until it is. This chapter is kinda half-hearted, but I needed something to get me started. Again; I'm sorry for the long wait, and hopefully I'll get better at updating this more frequently.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note

**xxx**

Anger hits him like a train on a track. Never in his life has he been as furious as he is right now, in this very moment. A choked snarl rips its way out from his throat, and as his clenched fist lands on the soft, pale cheek, there is a horrible, crunching sound. Ryuzaki falls backwards onto the floor, but spins around mid-air and manages to catch himself before landing face-first on the carpet. He spits blood and turns to look up at Light, fury burning in his eyes. And before Light has a chance to blink, he raises his leg and kicks him, sending him sprawling across the room.

Unfortunately, for the both of them, the metallic chain does not allow such distance between their two bodies, and as Light lands flat on his back, with the air knocked out of his lungs, L is dragged forward and stumbles, before falling on his hands and knees, crouching over Light. They glare at each other, jaws clenched and fists trembling. Light is about to politely ask Ryuzaki to get the hell away from him, but is stunned into silence as Ryuzaki raises his hand and slaps him once, twice, across his face.

'What the-'

His sentence is cut short as Ryuzaki slaps him again, and this time Light feels his skin breaking. He can taste blood, _his_ blood, on the tip of his tongue and he struggles to get away from underneath the detective.

'What the _fuck _are you doing?'

'There is no need for such crude language, Yagami-kun,' Ryuzaki chides, but his voice has a sharp edge to it that Light has never heard before, and it shocks him. He also notices Ryuzaki's deliberate choice of calling him by his surname, and swallows nervously as he is slowly beginning to realise the sheer volume of the detective's fury. Ryuzaki grabs Light's shoulders and pushes him back down on the floor, keeping him still by digging his fingers into him, as if he's trying to grip the bones.

Light wince in pain and continues to squirm, but surrenders with a whimper as Ryuzaki uses his grip on his shoulders to lift him partly off the floor, before forcefully pushing him down again. His head makes a dull sound as it collides with the cold surface.

'Enough!'

Chief Yagami's voice is loud and demanding, and the two geniuses break eye contact to glare at the panic-stricken expressions of the investigation team.

'That is enough. Just stop. _Both_ of you. You are adults; please behave as such!'

Light spares a quick glance towards his father's frustrated face. An annoyed wrinkle between his eyebrows and the impatient trembling of his upper lip makes Light quickly turn his attention to the ceiling, avoiding his father's glare. He refuses to make eye contact with the man still crouching over him.

Ryuzaki stands up and drags Light up from the floor with him, then he abruptly turns around and stalks out of the room without uttering a single word. Light stumbles behind him, keeping his eyes on the floor. For some reason he can't comprehend, he feels guilty, maybe even embarrassed, about his behaviour. But he gives a sharp shake of his head and forces the thought out of his mind. This wasn't his fault.

**xxx**

A few minutes later the two males sit on the kitchen floor, a first-aid kit standing between them. Neither of them speaks. But unlike so many times before, this silence is awkward and Light has yet to look Ryuzaki in the eye. Since childhood he has been spoon-fed with good manners, and right now his throat is burning to let the apology currently lingering on his lips smoothly free itself from his mouth, and present the odd man with faux regret. But he doesn't say that he's sorry, because he's not. And Ryuzaki knows that. Light bets he isn't sorry, either.

Ryuzaki is pressing an icepack to the left side of his face, and Light is busy hesitantly letting his tongue sweep over the cut in his lip he got from the repeated slaps across his face, whilst hunching over in a very Ryuzaki-like manner, clutching his sore stomach. Naturally, they both jump when the door suddenly bursts open. Matsuda stands in the doorway, looking unsure whether to enter or just walk straight back out.

'Eh...' he starts, and scratches his head.

'Yes, Matsuda-san?' Ryuzaki dead-pans, glaring at him from underneath the icepack with as much dignity he can. Which is, despite the circumstances, actually quite much, Light realises. 'Was it anything you wanted?'

'Well...' Matsuda stutters, and runs his nervous fingers through his hair. 'Not really, I just…'

'Then please leave.' Ryuzaki rudely interrupts and waves his free hand dismissively towards the door - an obvious suggestion for Matsuda to go away. The poor man swallows thickly, before muttering an apology and leaving the room in a hurry. As the door slams shut, Light frowns.

'Would it hurt you severely if you at least _pretended_ to appreciate other peoples' concern?' he hisses through his teeth, clearly disapproving.

'Would should I, Yagami-kun?'

Light swallows. The "Yagami-kun" is still in place, and he understands that Ryuzaki is probably still angry. One quick glance at the detectives face confirms this - yes, he is indeed still angry. Very much so. The uncharacteristic scowl appears to be permanently etched to his face.

'Listen...' he tries, fumbling with the edge of his shirt. For some reason, he just can't put on a strong façade in front of Ryuzaki. In front of _L_. Because this is not Ryuzaki - this is L, and L hates Light with passion.

And truth be told; Light dreads L's wrath.

He likes to think of the detective as two personalities in one body: there is Ryuzaki, his friend, the only person who has ever been able to truly understand him (even though said person is too socially retarded to actually realise that); and then there is L, and L wish for nothing else than to watch Light die. To watch Kira die. But Light isn't Kira, and even though the accusations are untrue and unfair, L just won't give up.

'Are you finished?' Ryuzaki snaps; but he's packing away the first-aid kit before Light even has a chance to open his mouth to speak. So Light stands up and helps him, biting his lip and keeping his distance from the frightening cloud of anger that's oozing like thick, invincible smoke from L's skin.

'Yes,' he mumbles, barely audible.

**xxx**

Fighting becomes routine. Light's whole life is slowly becoming a routine; a choreographed theatre in which he dutifully plays his part. One might argue that quotidian days starting with hysterical breakdowns, continuing with unintentional purging, further developing into heated arguments, and ending with affray and blood-stained skin is not very healthy, but Light thinks otherwise. Albeit he would be happy to skip the hysterical breakdown and the puking (more than happy, actually), he thinks the fighting is necessary. If he didn't have the opportunity to rid himself of all the frustration, he would probably go insane.

'Yagami-kun, open the door.'

But sometimes things do get out of hand. Like they did just a few minutes ago. Light is sitting on the bathroom floor, his back leaning on the door and his knees pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped around his shins. The chain is stuck underneath the door and Ryuzaki is standing on the other side, banging on the wooden frame with his hand after Light forcefully slammed it in his face and effectively locked him out.

'No.'

Light knows he's being very juvenile. An adult, or at least a teenager with his abilities, should open the door and sort out his differences with the other man. But right now he can't. He just _can't_. He is sulking and he's being impossible, but he justifies his childish behaviour by telling himself that Ryuzaki acts like this all the time.

'Light-kun,' Ryuzaki tries again, softer this time. 'Open the door.'

'No.' He gives a stubborn shake of his head, and even though he knows Ryuzaki can't see him, it makes him feel better. Idly, he wonders why he's never tried this before.

'Open it.'

Light chooses not to answer. His silence probably voices his thoughts more efficiently, anyway. A quiet thump tells him that Ryuzaki has sat down, probably leaning against the door as well, which is confirmed only a moment later when he feels a slight pressure from the other side. Light smirks a little. Sometimes the usually unpredictable man is indeed _very_ predictable.

'Fine then.'

They sit in silence. Light doesn't move and neither does Ryuzaki, if the still chain is anything to go by. Time is passing so slowly, Light doesn't know if they've been here for a few minutes, or for hours. It feels like he's been there for an eternity.

Apparently, so does Ryuzaki, because an impatient tug of the chain attracts Light's attention.

'Open the door. Now'

'I don't want to.'

'I don't care. I want cake.'

Light shakes his head again.

'Well, I'm not moving. If you want cake, you'll have to unlock the handcuff.'

'You know I can't do that.'

'Tough luck.'

The door shakes as something, probably Ryuzaki's foot, hits it with alarming force. Light gets a sudden idea; he grabs a hold of the chain with both hands and pulls at it sharply. He almost laugh out loud when he hears Ryuzaki curse loudly as his head connects with the door.

'That was very immature,' Ryuzaki forces out between gritted teeth.

'Perhaps.'

'_You_ are very immature,' the voice on the other side of the door sneers.

That does it for Light, and as he tugs angrily at the chain again, Ryuzaki is pulled forward into the wood a second time. Something akin to satisfaction swells in Light's chest as the detective groans.

'You know,' Ryuzaki spits, 'I could easily have someone come to open this door.'

'Why don't you, then?' Light snarls, and tries to yank the chain once again. But this time, Ryuzaki is ready for it, and instead of successfully hurting the scrawny male as he intended to, it is him who finds himself wounded by the door, as Ryuzaki strains against him and pulls the chain in the opposite direction.

'Ouch...' he mutters under his breath, hoping that Ryuzaki didn't hear that. It is useless, of course. Even if Ryuzaki probably never heard his voice, he would undoubtedly have heard the thud of his shoulder smashing into the hard frame behind his back.

'This is impossible,' Ryuzaki sighs. 'Just open the door, Light-kun, and I promise I'll listen to what you have to say. We can find a solution to our disagreements.'

Light snorts. Yeah, right. Like Ryuzaki would ever listen. Like _L_ would ever listen. It would be more likely for a flying cheese-cake to suddenly drop from the sky and hit the eccentric man in the head.

'Please, Light-kun.'

Light nearly chokes.

'I beg your pardon?'

Is he begging? Is L actually _begging_ him? If he hadn't been so exhausted, and if he hadn't been so busy sulking, he might have considered to actually opening the door - only to gloat and rub it in the bizarre enigma's face. But as it is, he merely turns around to gawk at the closed door.

'Please open the door, Light.'

Ryuzaki actually sounds sincere, for once. Light ponders on this for a minute. Ryuzaki stays put, quietly letting Light consider what he just said. Maybe he understands that the young man needs to think this through. Light highly doubts it, though. Ryuzaki is probably only assessing the situation and has come to the conclusion that he's more likely to get his way if he shuts up.

Somewhat reluctantly, Light stands up and unlock the door. There's not harm in trying to sort things out with the cookie-devouring insomniac, he decides.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:**

I think I'm gonna stop saying 'I'll try to update sooner', because usually I never do. From now on, I'll keep to 'it'll be up when it's finished, end of story'. I think that would be better for all of us.

Thanks to **Laimielle** for BETA-reading, and to **Deunan4eva** for making me finish this chapter sooner rather that later.

_(You know, I really don't writing stuff like that -points up- I don't know why, but it makes me feel like a douche bag acting like I've won the Nobel price. However, people that deserves cred should have it, and so I'm typing this stuff up anyway.)_

Right, that's enough of my rambling, I believe.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note, or the song "Silent Shout" by the Knife which this song is named after.

**xxx**

Reconciling with Ryuzaki proves to be even harder than Light expected it to be. They're sitting in the kitchen (again, Light thinks. They've been spending a lot of time here recently), at opposite ends of the table. Ryuzaki is chewing thoughtfully on a bite from his third helping of chocolate cake, but Light has barely touched his cup of coffee. He's still sulking, and the young man who is annoyingly unaffected by his hateful glare appears to have no intentions on listening to him, despite his earlier promise.

'What were you expecting to get out of this, Ryuzaki?' he asks, lips pursed in annoyance.

'I was hoping we could come to a reasonable agreement, Light-kun,' Ryuzaki answers, and Light notices with growing irritation how crumbs of cake falls from his mouth when he speaks.

'You mean you want me to admit that this was all my fault?' Light can feel his hands trembling so he clenches his fists underneath the table, where Ryuzaki can't see them, to try to resist the urge to hit something. Or someone; preferably Ryuzaki. He imagines putting his hands around Ryuzaki's neck to strangle him in order to calm himself down.

Ryuzaki doesn't bother answering. They both know that that's exactly what he wants. Light deeply regrets opening the door to talk.

'Ryuzaki,' he says, his voice strained. 'You keep accusing me of being Kira for days on end, even though you have no proof whatsoever, and I will _not_ apologize for kicking you when you go too far.'

Pale fingers poke the last piece of chocolate cake, before Ryuzaki looks up and sighs.

'It seems there is nothing more to discuss, then.'

Light leans back in defeat, just barely keeping himself from banging his head on the table. Of course this didn't lead to anything (why would it?), and now he's pissed off beyond belief. Again.

**xxx **

Just when Light starts to think that he'll get sick and die for real from fatigue and starvation, suddenly one day, it all changes.

He stands in stunned silence, waiting for the nausea that doesn't come; he stares in wonder at his stomach, which is a little swollen and somewhat sore. He's not used to keeping the food he eats. Ryuzaki stares too, eyes darting between Light's stomach to his face and back again, and then he finally catches Light's eyes and he smiles. Well, as much of a smile that Ryuzaki could ever manage. It's really more a gentle tug at the left corner of his mouth, but he does look pleased. Light smiles too, a wide smile with teeth in it.

This is progress.

**xxx **

'Are you ever going to stop accusing me of being Kira?'

Ryuzaki looks up from his papers, staring intently into his face with those dark eyes of his. Light knows the meaning of that look and he knows the answer to his question before the thin lips even open to speak.

'No.'

Light pinch the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger in an attempt to keep calm. He can't believe that they're having this conversation _again_. He feels like a broken record, stuck and only able to repeat phrases like "I'm not Kira", "Do you honestly think I'm a mass murderer" or "Do we _have_ to talk about Kira". It's not working very well, because when he speaks his voice is slightly strained. Maybe not enough for anyone else to notice, but it's enough for Ryuzaki. He notices everything.

'That's not fair.'

'Guilty until proven innocent, Light-kun.'

'Is it not usually the other way around?'

Ryuzaki only shrugs.

'Fine. Whatever.'

Light stands up and tugs at the chain. When he doesn't get a reaction, he does it again, harder this time.

'I want some fresh air,' he explains when Ryuzaki glares at him.

**xxx**

They stand on the very top floor of the building. Light indulges in the wind and the sounds from the streets far, far underneath them, and he sits down on the concrete block that is the roof.

Ryuzaki sits down next to him, pulling his knees up to his chest and placing a pale thumb between his lips. He looks thoughtful, Light notices, before he closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths and lets his thoughts drift away too.

Seconds pass. Minutes as well. Maybe even hours, Light isn't sure. He's too busy enjoying the gentle ruffling of his hair caused by the wind; too busy drowning in the sounds from the streets of Tokyo.

Light is just about lie down on his back in order to relax better, when something disturbs his newfound sense of inner peace. It's Ryuzaki, of course. He can feel the detective's breath ghosting across his cheek; it's warm, especially when compared to the chilling autumn wind. Ryuzaki has developed the highly annoying habit of creeping up on Light, positioning himself mere inches from his face and then studying every facial expression he makes, every breath he takes and every word he speaks.

Light tries to ignore it at first. He really does. He keeps his eyes closed and his face calm, counting slowly to ten in his head. He does it three times, but when Ryuzaki still hasn't made any indication of moving away from him, Light decides that enough is enough. It's hard to spend any longer period of time together with the socially challenged genius, and even harder being chained to him all hours of the day. Light does not need Ryuzaki to be in his face any more than he already is; verbally or physically.

Now, Light is usually a very logical person. Under normal circumstances, he would have applied logic before making his move and realized that his intended actions could and would have devastating consequences. However, for some reason, Light isn't behaving normally today. He simply snaps his eyes open and gives a quick flick of his chin to look Ryuzaki in the eye and tell him to fuck off and give him some goddamn space.

But Ryuzaki is close. Much closer than he is supposed to be.

Both prodigies' breathing ceases immediately when two pairs of lips touch involuntarily. There is no sound, no movement. Just paralyzing shock. He stares into the dark depths that serve as Ryuzaki's eyes and sees the same mortification there that he is sure is reflected in his own.

He tries to turn away, but his muscles appear to have locked down because they won't budge. He can do nothing but sit still and feel, feel Ryuzaki's breaths as he exhales through his nose and feel the smooth skin of thin lips when they tremble almost unnoticeably. It suddenly strikes him how beautifully fragile Ryuzaki looks.

And it's not until he sees the blush creeping slowly across Ryuzaki's pale face that he realizes that he's blushing too.

**xxx**

The first few days after the accidental kiss are awfully awkward. Light doesn't even dare to look at Ryuzaki, and Ryuzaki seems pretty uncomfortable too. They haven't spoken at all since it happened, and even though Light is seriously lacking in intellectual conversation (the closest they ever get to speaking is a few fragments of noise accompanied by hand gestures), he can't seem to talk to his peer. Even the very thought of speaking to him makes his mouth dry and the words stick underneath his tongue.

Daytime is hard, but at night it's even harder. Light's nightmares are still frequent and as vivid as ever, but he lies at the very edge at his side of the bed and whenever Ryuzaki tries to curl up behind him to comfort him he pushes the bony arms and solacing fingers away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:**

I'm not gonna spend forever explaining why I haven't updated in just as long, but I'm back now (sort of), and I decided to post this even though it hasn't been BETA-read yet (so expect some kind of mistake somewhere); I just want to get it all up and running again.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Death Note.

**xxx**

'We should talk,' Ryuzaki says.

'No, we shouldn't.'

Light keeps his gaze firmly focused on the newspaper in his hand, refusing to look at Ryuzaki or admit that maybe they should talk about what happened that day about a week ago.

'We kissed.'

'It was an accident.'

There is a dull thud when Ryuzaki places his cup of tea on the table.

'I really do think-'

Light puts down the paper and glares, interrupting Ryuzaki before he gets a chance to finish what he has to say.

'Look, there is nothing to talk about. Okay? Just shut up and leave me alone.'

Ryuzaki stares at Light, and Light stares back. He really, really doesn't want to talk about the kiss, because it has already created thoughts in his head that aren't allowed to be there. But Ryuzaki doesn't want to let it go; as always, they fail to agree on even the simplest of matters.

Eventually Ryuzaki gives up, adverts his gaze to the tea cup in front of him and traces the ear with his fingers.

'As Light-kun wishes.'

**xxx**

When he bumps into Ryuzaki, both of them momentarily faltering and shyly avoiding looking at each other, for the fourth time that day, Light decides he's had enough. This has_ got_ to stop. He's been telling himself over and over that he does not wish that Ryuzaki would look at him just a little longer, that his heart does not flutter whenever Ryuzaki opens his mouth to speak and that he most definitely does not want to kiss Ryuzaki again.

But secretly, he does.

**xxx**

He shifts impatiently, trying to find a comfortable position. Sitting in the same chair for hours, every day for weeks, has not been kind on his back. His neck and shoulders are straining, too. He sighs, rubbing his eyes with both of his hands.

'Ryuzaki, would you be so kind and remind me why I'm going through these files _again_?'

'Perhaps a piece of information could be revealed that you overlooked the last time.'

'Yes, because evidence just suddenly crop up out of nowhere, doesn't it? Light sneers. 'I've been through this file three times already, and I still haven't found anything new. There is _nothing more in it_ that I haven't already noted down!'

The rest of the investigation team mumbles awkwardly at his outburst, but Ryuzaki remains unfazed; he's wearing his "L-face" and will not react to anything until he becomes Ryuzaki again. Then, he will be awkward and a little shy, fiddling with his fingers and the edge of his (sleeves?). Ryuzaki is never really Ryuzaki around anyone else but him; it's like he's trying to hide himself and his feelings when other people are around. Light has learnt that after spending so much time with him.

'If Light-kun is so sure, he may look at a new one.'

Light opens up a new document, inwardly telling Ryuzaki where he can shove all his goddamn files.

**xxx**

Book in hand; he sits in a chair (a bigger, more comfortable one) that is soft and warm. Ryuzaki sits beside him in another, identical chair, a bowl of ice-cream in his hand. It's 2 a.m., but Light doesn't want to sleep. And since Ryuzaki doesn't sleep either way, they decided to just stay up. They sit in a big room with bigger windows and red, heavy curtains, a homely fire in front of them and with a wall-to-wall carpet covering the floor. Light thinks it's rather idyllic; an English room in a Japanese building.

He turns to look at Ryuzaki, observing the way the slim fingers hold the silver spoon and how his lips move when he swallows.

'Do you ever get homesick?'

Movement stops, but Light knows Ryuzaki's just thinking about whether or not to give him an honest answer.

'Sometimes. A little, maybe. But I never really belonged anywhere anyway.'

Light thinks that's a little sad. Then he thinks about how horrible it must be to not belong anywhere, or with anyone. After that, he realizes that he's just the same. It's a scary thought.

'Me neither.'

'That's a lie. Light-kun belongs everywhere,' Ryuzaki scoffs.

'No, honestly; I've never felt like I really fitted in here. I don't belong either, but I have nowhere else to go.'

Ryuzaki looks like he's thinking about what Light just said. Really thinking it over. Light stays quiet, letting him do so. He finds that he doesn't really mind. But Ryuzaki's lips are slightly pursed, and that brings to mind other things and he's finds himself slowly leaning closer, until he can feel Ryuzaki's breath on his face. The ice-cream has made it cold, and idly he wonders if his lips are cold too.

Ryuzaki looks a little frightened, but then he blushes and that blush is like a silent agreement. Light leans in those last few inches, pressing his warm lips to Ryuzaki's cold ones (just as cold, he thinks). This time he really takes time to feel how those lips moves slowly, unsure, and taste the vanilla ice-cream and strawberries, and the organic taste that is Ryuzaki's own. It's awkward and not from a very good angle, but it feels so good and Light just about have time to think that he never wants to stop when Ryuzaki carefully pulls away.

'Now we really need to talk.'

'I know,' Light answers, and then a maelstrom of emotions surface in him, but he pushes down on them hard by kissing Ryuzaki even harder. He puts everything in those kisses they now apparently share.

It's not romantic, and it's not perfect. But Light finds he doesn't want perfect now. He just wants Ryuzaki and he wants to feel, really feel and really just be and not think. Just like Ryuzaki is perfectly imperfect, this is too.

Though, he has no intentions trying to find out what all this means. He doesn't dare.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:**

I don't have much to say, really.

BETA'd by **Deunan4eva** (thank you).

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Death Note.

**xxx**

Weeks pass. They get more intimate, more daring. Quick kisses when no one is looking, in elevators and in corners where the cameras can't see. But at while they get closer physically, Light feels as if mentally they're drifting apart. He tries not to think about it too much, and he hasn't spoken about it with Ryuzaki.

They don't speak much about anything anymore.

He fears what they are and what they're becoming, and it's more comfortable telling himself that it's not happening than opening his eyes and seeing the cracks for what they are. Besides, this is another way to rid themselves of all the frustration and irritation, and he doesn't know what will happen if he decides to take it away.

And he knows he would miss the warmth of Ryuzaki's lips when he kisses him goodnight.

**xxx**

'Are you okay, Light?' Soichiro ask one day.

'Yes, dad. I'm alright.'

Dutiful son, he never tells his father what's on his mind or how he's feeling. He knows the reaction he would get if he told his dad he said longed for Ryuzaki and his intimacy would not be a good one.

'Are you sure? You look stressed.'

Stop prodding, Light thinks. Then he smiles a little, ensuring.

'Don't worry. I'm fine.'

Lies, lies, lies.

'Light-kun, really, you do look rather exhausted,' Matsuda says after inspecting Light's face carefully for a few seconds. 'Do you get enough rest?'

'Yes, I-'

'No, he doesn't,' Ryuzaki interrupts. 'I'm afraid my sleeping habits are rubbing off on him, and it's starting to show. I plan to take immediate action to prevent further damage to Light-kun's health; everyone, please take the rest of the day off. I and Light-kun will retire now as well, to get some rest. I think we're all in need of some peace and quiet.'

Everyone mumbles their agreement, only Matsuda can't contain his excitement, and Light can't find it in him to object, even though he knows peace and quiet is the last thing he and Ryuzaki are going to get. Today has been a surprisingly long and hard day, and irritation has been high. He's been waiting for a chance to let it all out, and with the rest of the team gone, that chance is sure to surface soon.

**xxx**

Anger, fury, madness. Light raises his hand to wipe away the blood that is dripping from his split lip. He launches and grabs a hold of Ryuzaki's hair, violently pulling his head downwards and making him hunch. But Ryuzaki fights back and kicks out one of his legs, tripping him up. Light lands gracelessly on his back and somehow manage to pull Ryuzaki down on top of him. Warm breath in his face, warm skin around his wrists as Ryuzaki tries to hold him down. He looks up into the pale face with the dark eyes and then, suddenly, everything he is melts down into a single feeling, a single yearning so deep it aches. All he wants is to feel; he wants to love and be loved back, to forget everyone else but never be forgotten by him. And so he kisses Ryuzaki like he's never kissed anyone before, praying that the smooth skin will kiss him back and not object and push him away.

At first, the lips do neither. Ryuzaki is dangerously un-responding but it only drives him further. Light thinks he's crying but his not sure, not daring to open his eyes to find out. This feeling is so much bigger than he is.

'Light-kun. Light-' Ryuzaki tries and grabs his ahold of shoulders to push himself away. But Light sees his flushed face and his wanting eyes, feels his harsh breaths and trembling fingers, and he most definitely hears the heart beating away unevenly inside Ryuzaki's chest.

'Please.'

He says nothing but that word, over and over he repeats it while kissing the pale complexion that is Ryuzaki's skin wherever he can reach.

'We really shouldn't,' Ryuzaki mumbles, but he's leaning closer and uses the grip on Light's shoulders to bring him closer too. Light knows he's winning.

'I don't care.'

**xxx**

Light can feel something bad is coming his way. It's like a cold breath down his neck; the nausea is slowly coming back although he's not throwing up. In some ways, that's even worse. All this suppressing of emotions is not doing him any good and he knows he should stop and let himself feel what he feels, but he can't. There's no way. So he keeps himself oblivious, seeking assurance from Ryuzaki who always agrees. Light thinks he's probably in denial, too.

'Ryuzaki…' Light grinds his teeth and rubs his temples. Both of them, just to be safe. 'There are no feelings in this. Not a single one.' He repeats those word inside his head a few times, to make them stick.

Ryuzaki looks at him from under his black bangs, the circles underneath his eyes seemingly a little darker today than they were last night. This relationship (or whatever it is; Light doesn't know what to call it) is taking its toll on both of them.

'Right?'

'Of course, Light-kun.'

But when Light looks as Ryuzaki and Ryuzaki won't stop looking at him, he knows that isn't all true. And it's scary, because that feeling that is there when it really shouldn't be could either make or break them. And he really doesn't want to break right now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:**

So, I'm beginning to think that if the snow doesn't stop soon I won't be able to walk through my front door. Got to live winter, right?

BETA'd by** Deunan4eva.**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

**xxx**

The bad feeling isn't leaving. Instead, it's only intensifying, leaving Light feeling frustrated and helpless. And it's not like he can talk to someone about it, either.

This morning, Ryuzaki is being uncharacteristically optimistic, and has decided that the thing that will cheer Light up is the thing that always cheers him up: sugar. Needless to say, Light isn't very enthusiastic when they enter the kitchen to eat breakfast. Despite that, he sits down on his chair and waits patiently while Ryuzaki shuffles around the kitchen in his too-large jeans preparing breakfast for the both of them.

Light is seconds from throwing up only looking at the leaning tower of tooth decay as it's placed on the table in front of him.

'You cannot seriously believe that I'm going to eat that.'

Ryuzaki doesn't answer; only digs in to his chocolate cupcake and looks a little smug.

'You are, aren't you?'

'I'm offended Light-kun thinks so little of my cooking skills.'

Ryuzaki happily finish the last crumbs of his second cupcake, and gestures for Light to start eating.

'This isn't cooking. This is taking edible diabetes out of the cupboard and placing on a plate.' He feels like he's a mother scolding her six year old son, and that on its own is such an irritating thought he feels like hitting his forehead on the table.

'You could at least try it.'

Ryuzaki looks genuinely hurt by Light's refusal to eat; enough to make Light feel just the tiniest bit guilty. Ryuzaki picks up on that immediately.

'Please, Light-kun?'

'You're pathetic.'

But he does try it. And it's just as horrid as he thought it would be. Not only is there enough sugar in it to make his teeth fell like they're all glued together, but there is also so much taste in it and Light can't really handle it. He's coughing and dry retching, but Ryuzaki only looks amused.

'See, it wasn't so bad, was it?' he asks.

Light only stares, teeth still not quite moving like he wants them to.

**xxx**

A numbness is spreading. It's starts in his fingers, travels through his hands and arms and eventually reaches his head. He can't concentrate, can't focus. Everything seems a little blurry and he rubs his eyes more often now than he ever did before. He's not as polite as he used to be either; he can't find the strength or willpower to be. He ignores it at first, but when the numbness reaches his feelings too, he feels as if maybe he's ought to do something about it.

He doesn't, though.

He lets it spread and grow, lets it take him over. He's just a silent observer now.

**xxx**

Things are only getting worse. Light feels… Well, he doesn't really feel anything. That's the thing. He feels nothing apart from that numbness that stretches from his skin and down to his bones. He walks and he talks but he doesn't _feel_. He's becoming mechanic, a shell that moves but really isn't any more than just that – a shell. He has never felt meaningless like this before.

There is just thins one single thing he's able to really feel; anger. Anger that is sharp and that whips and curls and screams. In his ears a ringing noise that never stops, like tinnitus but a little quieter. He needs to be alone. He needs L to leave. He needs an hour and maybe a few days after that to calm himself down. He's frustrated and something is so horribly wrong that he doesn't even dare to sit down and find out what's causing all the trouble. Instead he keeps himself busy with everything and anything he can find; just to excuse himself from thinking.

Light thinks he's starting to lose his mind; if he hasn't lost already.

And then there is Ryuzaki. Always looking, always touching. Light loathes how he craves the feeling of pale fingertips caressing the surface of his skin, and how he feels like exploding into a million little pieces or at least throw up a little whenever they do. It doesn't take long before body contact becomes the single most dangerous thing in his life. It has to be avoided at all costs. And avoid it he does, going to great lengths in doing so. Elegantly turning, backing, stepping aside and ducking; keeping safe.

It's hard work. Every day he feels the layer of pretense on his face cracking and he has to try a little harder just to make the act remain undiscovered. He knows it's only a matter of time before he's confronted with it by someone; he can see the worried looks the investigation team sends in his direction when they think he isn't looking.

The only one who he knows he can't fool is Ryuzaki. It didn't take him long before realizing how Light would jerk and reel back whenever he got too close or tried to stroke his cheek. Thankfully he hasn't mentioned it yet, but Light thinks he's just biding his time. He's observing now, taking in as much information about Light's uncharacteristic behavior as he can to come to a reasonable conclusion. Light can tell by the way he bites his thumb and glance at him once every few minutes.

**xxx**

'Light-kun should tell me what is bothering him.'

And there it starts. Light freezes for a few seconds, before swallowing and turning around to face Ryuzaki, a smile wearing thin on his lips.

'And you should stay out of business that does not concern you.'

'Ah, but this does concern me. Quite profusely, as well.'

'No, it doesn't. Leave me alone.'

But he won't, Light knows that. Has always known that. It is not possible for someone as curious as Ryuzaki to simply drop a subject once it's peaked his interest. He'll be observing and poking, picking at the scabs until the truth is revealed – in one way or another.

Light settles with sending a dirty look at the pale detective with staring eyes. There is no point discussing this any further right now.

**xxx**

Despite all Light's best efforts, everything reaches its peak a few days later. They're fighting again, fists clenching and skin breaking, and when L somehow manages to get his arm around Light's neck and pushes down, Light's kneels weakly on the floor and throws up.

After that, he starts losing those few pounds he gained so recently.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:**

Sorry it's been taking me some time to put this up; it's been finished for quite some time, but I didn't want to post it until I have chapter 8 finished as well. However, since I ran into a writer's block head first, I decided to give you this sooner rather than later since it's probably going to time some time before chapter 8 is finished. Enough of my ramblings; happy reading.

BETA'd by **Deunan4eva**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note

**xxx**

He lies in their bed, tucked in and tied down. Ryuzaki won't let him leave. He lives on soup and tea, because the scrawny detective is determined that that is the only way he'll get better again. Ryuzaki has brought the office to the bedroom to avoid Light getting up and moving; he sits and types away while Light eats, sleeps and throws up.

The arrangement isn't really working out for any of them.

'This isn't necessary,' he sighs. He hasn't left the room in four days and he's getting sick of it.

'It is. We can't afford you to lose any more weight, Light-kun. You're already dangerously thin.'

Light mumbles something that is barely audible, but doesn't object further. That he knows is true; his ribs and hips are sticking out and it hurts lying still in the same position for too long. His wrists are skinnier as well and he can see the bones of his fingers when he flexes his hands. He also knows that his father, and probably the rest of the investigation team as well, are worried about his wellbeing. So he puts up with it just to make the others shut up.

'I might develop nasty bedsores, you know.'

'Light-kun is being ridiculous. This bed is too comfortable for bedsores.'

For some reason, Light finds that extremely funny. He starts laughing; just giggling at first, but it grows louder and soon he's laughing uncontrollably. Ryuzaki just stares, but when Light starts wheezing for air he shuffles closer and puts his arms around him.

Light is too busy laughing to react to the physical contact, too busy losing his mind to care. At some point his laughter turns to crying, but he isn't aware of it until Ryuzaki starts whispering soothing words in his ear.

**xxx**

Days pass. Light is horribly bored; this is worse than anything he's been put through before. He tries his best to put up with it, but it's getting harder and harder and Ryuzaki isn't making it any easier when he insists Light does exactly what he says. Apart from eating and sleeping, the only this he can do is count minutes. Ryuzaki won't let him help with the Kira investigation; he says he's too sick and it would only harm him further if he was to be exposed to such stress.

The only thing that has gotten better is that Ryuzaki hasn't accused him of being Kira a single time. Light thinks it's because he doesn't want to put any more stress on him than necessary.

And every now and then, Ryuzaki will stop typing and lean over, place a quick kiss on Light's lips or cheek. Light lives for those moments, even though it he knows he shouldn't and every time he kisses Ryuzaki back he feels a little sad but he doesn't know why, and he doesn't really have any intentions of finding out.

**xxx**

When Light throws up for the third time this morning, Ryuzaki looks seriously worried. He pats him awkwardly on the back and gives him a glass of water when he lifts his head from the toilet.

'How are you feeling?' Ryuzaki asks; maybe because he doesn't know what else to say.

'How does it look like I'm feeling?'

'Horrible?'

'Pretty much spot on.'

'Perhaps you should lie down for a while.'

'Sure, because that's not what I've been doing every day for the past week.'

Sarcasm is lost in the weakness of his voice, but it doesn't really matter and at this point he couldn't care less. Instead, he stands up and walks over to the washbasin to brush his teeth. Ryuzaki stands behind him, ready to catch him if his legs suddenly decide to give up on him; they've been doing that a lot recently.

**xxx**

In the end, it's Light who gets his way. He's been wanting to go outside for quite some time, but Ryuzaki hasn't let him; afraid that his already bad condition will get even worse. But Light has argued that fresh air will only do him well, and so here they stand on the top of the big building they currently inhabit. On the roof where it all started, where everything continues when Ryuzaki takes his hand and squeezes it and where everything reaches its peak when Light finally speaks his mind after forcing himself to keep quiet for so long.

'I care for you.'

By the way Ryuzaki visibly stiffens, he knows he's crossed a line. Never before have they spoken about what they do; it's like a silent agreement not to make things complicated by involving feelings in the already messed up mess.

'No, you don't. You don't even know my real name.'

Denial. Light steps closer, takes Ryuzaki's face in his hands. Stroking the pale cheeks carefully, lovingly, he lets himself feel what he feels and he wants Ryuzaki to feel it too.

'It doesn't matter; all your names make sense to me.'

'No. Light, stop.'

Ryuzaki's objection hurts. Quite badly, as well. Embarrassment and disappointment makes Light blush; he drops his hands and takes a step away from Ryuzaki. Creating a distance.

'Light-kun, I-'

'Don't. He bites down hard on his lip and gestures towards the door. 'Let's just go back.'

At first, Ryuzaki looks like he's going to object; but then he changes his mind. Black hair falling down and covering his eyes, he starts walking towards the door and Light follows him, trying not to see what Ryuzaki's seems to be trying to hide.

They don't hold hands, don't touch. The only thing keeping them together is the chain that is just as cold and uncomfortable as the atmosphere surrounding them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note:**

So, writer's block finally disappeared (finally), and I was able to finish chapter 8. But now, I have something I wanted to ask all of you: should I stop at chapter 8 or should I continue writing a few more chapters? And if I continue, what would the future chapters be about? I would really appreciate any suggestions from you guys, because I'm not sure I know where this story is going.

Thank you.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Death Note.

**xxx**

And he thought the accidental kiss was awkward; Light feels like slapping himself. If things ever were tense between him and Ryuzaki, it's never been quite like this. They can't talk, can't even look at each other, and holding up in their bedroom is _not_ making things any easier. Apart from that one time when they went up to the roof (Light really doesn't want to think about that), Ryuzaki still hasn't let Light out of bed, but if he doesn't soon, Light feels he's going to have a mental breakdown and hurt, or possibly kill, the detective with his very own chain.

The situation before was bad, but this is ten times worse.

'Ryuzaki, you have to let me get up.'

'Absolutely not.'

'No, I'm serious. I can't take this anymore!'

To demonstrate his frustration, Light kicks off the duvet from himself and Ryuzaki, sending a bowl of ice-cream and a plate with cookies flying across the room. Ryuzaki looks at him with wide eyes, taking everything about the young man in; everything from the frown on his face to the angry quaking of his hands.

'But you're still throwing up, and-'

'I don't care. It doesn't matter what I do or where I am – I'll be throwing up anyway. So let me help you with the case and make me useful, or I promise you I will go completely mad.'

Light tries really hard to keep his voice from shaking, but he's so angry and so frustrated and Ryuzaki won't listen to him_._ Taking a few deep breaths, he tries to calm himself down.

'Please?'

Ryuzaki just keep looking at him, but when Light is seconds away from strangling him, he finally speaks up.

'Okay.'

**xxx**

A week pass, and though Light is not getting any better, he isn't getting any worse either. Ryuzaki has tried, countless of times, to convince him that the best thing to do would be to go back to bed, but Light isn't buying it. He actually feels a little better when he's doing something useful.

'Ryuzaki, what are you doing?'

He peers over Ryuzaki's shoulder, trying to see what's on the computer screen.

'I'm looking over some surveillance tapes, Light-kun'.

'For what?'

'For amusement. Look at this,' Ryuzaki says, and gestures towards the screen. 'Look at how people act in an everyday situation such as taking the train. Isn't it ironic how they all seem to have a conflicting need to fit in yet to stand out at the same time? I find it fascinating.'

'Yeah? Perhaps so.' Light leans closer, looking at the scene on the computer screen with renewed interest. He watches all the mothers and the fathers and all the children. He watches the old people and the young ones, people running and people walking. And he finds it, just like Ryuzaki said, fascinating.

'Hang on, I know this tape. I've seen it before…' Light suddenly remembers.

'Of course, Light-kun. It's the death of Raye Penber.'

'Oh.'

Light leaves it at that, and so does Ryuzaki. They are both aware of the fact that Raye is most definitely using his last seconds of life looking at his killer. Looking at Kira. But discussing the identity of Kira is a dangerous topic and they tend to avoid it; it hurts the both of them when Light's behavior and way of thinking is such a perfect match to Kira's.

**xxx**

It's getting late. The rest of the investigation team has already left, been given time to go home to their families. But he and Ryuzaki are still up. Still working. The only noise is that of the computers and the constant tap tap tap as they type, and although Light feels that maybe he should say something and break the silence, he doesn't. He doesn't know what to say.

Eventually, they retire from work and head upstairs to go to bed. Light thinking only about sleep; L carrying a laptop in one hand and a tray of sweets in the other, just as always.

When they enter the bathroom, Light immediately heads for the washbasin to brush his teeth. L lingers in the doorway, looking like he's about to say something but just like the other day before, he doesn't. Light decides to pretend he's oblivious to L's apparent inner discussion because he can't handle the possible outburst, so he focuses his eyes on the mirror in front of him and tries his hardest not to let his eyes wonder to the pale detective as walks over and stands next to him, starting to brush his teeth as well.

Once finished, they go to bed and Light (as usual) lies as close to the edge of the bed as he can manage without risking falling out of it. L opens up the laptop and there is a crunching sound as he bites down on the lollipop in his mouth.

So used to the sounds and the light, Light falls asleep quickly.

However, is doesn't take long before he wakes up again. Something is off. At first, he can't understand what is wrong, but eventually he realizes what it is; there is no sound. No sound and no lights. That means that Ryuzaki has turned off his laptop and has gone to sleep, and that never happens. Not ever. Now slightly worried, he turns around to see what's going on.

'Ryuza-'

He stops mid-sentence, now laying nose to nose with Ryuzaki and unconsciously holding his breath. Apparently, L was holding his too, because when Light turns around he flinches and air leaves him with a whooshing sound.

'My apologies, Light-kun. I didn't mean to wake you.'

'It's alright. Why are you not working? I thought you never stopped.'

'I needed to think. Light, we need to talk. Really talk. I know I hurt you when I denied your feelings the other day and I'm sorry.'

He shuffles closer, carefully putting his arms around Light's neck.

'I'm so sorry.'

Suddenly, everything comes tumbling down and he places his arms around Ryuzaki as he's pressed up against him. He inhales the sweet aroma that is Ryuzaki's own, running his fingers through dark, silky hair. And he speaks up, again.

'Ryuzaki, I don't know what we're doing. Or what to make of it. I don't even think I know who I am anymore.'

Ryuzaki studies him quietly. Thinking, then somehow managing to sneak one of his hands down to grab a hold of Light's hand.

'Me neither, Light-kun.'

'So what do we do?'

'Do we really have to do anything? Can't we just... Be?'

Light ponders on that for a moment. Not analyzing everything he does and feels is not something he's used to.

'Light-kun,' Ryuzaki starts, then his other hand joins the first one when he takes a hold of Light's other hand as well. 'Light. You need to get better. You're disappearing right in front of my eyes and I can't seem to help you at all because everything I try just makes you worse. It's like a silent shout and I-.'

'A silent shout?' Light interrupts. Ryuzaki is being emotional; he's never been so honest before and it scares Light a little.

'Yes. Your body screams when your voice doesn't.'

He stares at Ryuzaki and then he bites his lip, thinks. Then he squeezes Ryuzaki's hands and smiles a little. And he whispers what he secretly know has been true for a long, long time.

Love is a scary word, but if they don't label it, it won't feel so big. He needs to feel what he feels without the feeling growing larger than he is, and maybe now he can. Ryuzaki looks uncertain, but Light smiles reassuringly and then he smiles a little too; a real smile this time. Suddenly, everything makes sense.


End file.
